Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Dreams...

Today I'm writing this update for Judie... 

Let me give you a little bit of background (not too much, though - saving lots of details for the book!)...

When my husband Matt was killed in 2008, I was put in touch with Judie by a good friend of mine in hopes of connecting with him. We were fortunate that he was able to come through very strong, and has again so many times throughout my friendship with Judie. She gave me so many details that no one but he could have known (of course, she doesn't take any credit for that - HE is the one coming through with the details!). What an amazing gift I've been blessed with - to know that the love of my life is always with me and our two young children. He not only has given us this gift through Judie, but every once in a while when he comes through during one of Judie's and my conversations, it's just as much of a gift to Judie, too; letting her know he is still so strongly present helps reinforce Judie's confidence in what she does, and also gives her the encouragement to keep moving forward with her book. She told me that Matt made her start believing in herself again today, and that he is "a big part of our story." What a beautiful thing! 

Nine months after his death, I moved from NYS to California. During one of our cross-country telephone conversations, he cuts in. Judie got quiet for a moment and said, "Matt is showing me a brown teddy bear, and a wooden duck.

Matt's mom made a brown teddy bear that I'd been keeping on my bed, and the wooden duck was a carved box that Matt had forever, which was also in my bedroom, which is where I was when I was talking to her on the phone. He also showed her the silver heart necklace Sydney always wore at that time (she's since lost it, unfortunately).  

Then he showed her that he was wearing an orange t-shirt. She asked me, "What's the significance of the orange t-shirt??" That cracked me up!! Matt had an orange t-shirt that fit him a little tighter than the other t-shirts he wore, and between that (because showed off his muscles) and the fact he looked awesome in orange, it was a shirt that I loved on him. He would put that on, and I would look at him and say, "Oh baby!!" Haha! He enjoyed that as much as I did, and it was pretty cool that he showed that to Judie so she could tell me. He also told her that it wasn't a glass wall in my dream.  He was referring to the first dream I had of him after he died... 

In this dream, I was in a large room the size of a warehouse with a bunch of people, and the room was divided by what appeared to be a wall of glass. Matt was on one side of the glass with some people, and I was on the other side with some people. I was desperately trying to get his attention - yelling, jumping up and down and waving my arms, but he was looking down at his hands working on something intently, although I couldn't tell what he was doing. Nothing I did could get him to look my way. Finally, totally exasperated, I asked someone near me, "WHY is he not looking at me?!" and she said, "Because he's on the other side- he can't see you from there." Then I thought, "Oh My God. It really is over between us" like we had broken up or something. I cried so hard in my sleep that I woke up sobbing uncontrollably. It was then that I really felt the separation between us for the first time. 

Matt told Judie that it wasn't glass - it's a substance that he showed Judie to look like a gelatin wall. He demonstrated this by pushing his hand against it. Judie could actually see his hand, and what it looked like when he pushed against the gelatin wall - the imprint it made from his fingers as he pressed on it. She could see him pushing on the wall, and me on the other side of it.

She asked him, "How am I doing this? How can I see you and Andrea at the same time?" He let her know that she is able to have her mind be in both places at once. Then she said, "Write this down, Andrea - I'm not sure what he's saying or what it means, but he just said the words 'electromagnetic fusion' to me - what is that?" Ha! Hell if I know! Neither one of us are mechanical engineers, so we were both pretty stumped by it.  Later on, Judie asked her friend who happens to be an engineer what it means, and he explained that it's a transference of energy.

Leave it to Matt to get into the science of it. =P

What a hugely significant reading for both Judie and I. She said she's never had an experience quite like that one. Of course, it would be my husband that was responsible for that - he is just as amazing in spirit as he was in life... 

When I was talking to her yesterday on the phone, Matt came through again. She asked me if my son Jacob had a tough moment recently regarding Matt's loss (he's 10 now). I told her yes... Jacob and I were discussing our next door neighbor's son who is close to his age. He is mean to Jacob and Sydney (my daughter who is 7) and Jacob calls him his "enemy." I told Jacob that we don't have any enemies, and that he needs to realize that this poor kid is the way he is because he has a sad life. Jacob said, "SO DO I!" That kind of took me back for a moment, and I had to think hard before I reacted. I explained to him that even though he lost his daddy, we have a wonderful life - everything we need and a home filled with love. It's awful that we lost daddy, but we are blessed in so many other ways.

Matt reminded me (through Judie) not to minimize Jacob's loss. That's something I didn't even realize I was doing, but now that my attention has been brought to it, I have been - with both kids, even though I understand that anyone going through this needs to have their moment and wallow in it. Not for too long, but to feel it completely and get it out instead of repressing it. He gave a message for Jacob: "I'm still there, Buddy!" He always called Jacob "Buddy" - amazing. Thank you, My Love!! And thank you, Judie!!! 

I will end this here because I could go on forever, but we wanted to share with you just a little snippet. Thank you for reading! =)

2 comments:

  1. WOW! Andrea! I'm so glad that for you and the kiddos, you get little snippets of Matt being right there besides you.

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  2. Very nice! I'm so glad you found each other. Can't wait to hear more! Thanks for sharing!

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